H Is For

Holiday...

These are three of my favourite holiday songs -

The Eagles song was one I played and played and played when I first got the 45 -

Greg Lake's song is just haunting -

The Pretender's song is another that always comes to mind when I think of tunes for 'this' time of the year -

This time of year is still difficult for me - so many reasons - I've had lots of nice surprises this year trying to help and/or take my mind off 'things' -

All of it is very appreciated - words can't convey what it does mean - just as words can't convey why it is all so tough -

Other H's that come to mind right now:

Hurt by actions I can't share here

Hardened by some of those same things

Hassled by the fact I can't get the text to align as I want

Hoping my muse returns soon and

Helps me figure out what I'm going to do in 2010

Happy I have Khyra and all of you

L Is For

Looking...

Listening...

Lucinda Williams...

I got to thinking about Kyrye's sign -

Looking back, I think she sent it in 'furson' as we say -

When I spent a bit of time with her Sunday evening after my transport, she was really 'gone' then - only her furry shell was there -

I believe she had already headed to check out things -

Once she found them to her liking, she came back to reclaim her body -

And in doing so, she confirmed she was ready -and could show us she indeed was -

That is probably why she looked much more alert on Monday when we took her in than she did Sunday evening -

It was her sign to us -

One she was able to deliver to me with kisses whilst I held her -

I'm still keeping my eyes ears heart open for more -

I might just see THAT one on Monday when I have the chance to spend time with a Brittany Mom and her two 2wk old puppies -

They are travelling from Kingsport TN to Roanoke VA on Sunday; Monday finds them able to snag a ride to Harrisburg and should arrive about 11am - and they have a foster home in Lititz - but that foster mom can't get them until after 5/6pm - she'll come get them after work -

So, we get to spend some time with Brandy (only a year or two old herself) and her pups Perri and Winkle! The vet has no idea at all what the dad(s) is/are - of course, since they are so young, we won't be playing and romping but they will represent new

LIFE -

She's Gone

Kyrye

October 28, 1994 to December 14, 2009

We let her go this morning about 9:30 -

It was peaceful -

We could have another day or two or three but the end result would have still been the same -

We wanted her to with dignity and pride -

She did -

As Uncle Tupelo's Whiskey Bottle includes in its lyrics -

Not forever, just for now -

Run Free Kyrye - you don't need no stinkin' leash anymore!

Thanks for giving me the gift of Khyra - you'll live on each day with her by my side -

I'll be looking for the sign you've made it -

And please don't forget to write!

K Is For

K Is For Kyrye
She was 15 on October 28 - and her time here is about to end - I spent time with her on Saturday -


We talked about it - she let me know she's ready - I could see it - and feel it -

She's tired - I told her she can go to sleep soon - and when she wakes up, she'll be young again -

Here is her Photobucket link from Saturday -

I had done some pictures for her the day after her birthday - they were all from above - I took up a position on the floor near her -

I just wish the battery hadn't run out whilst I was doing the video of our moments together - but perhaps it was a sign -

We'll be letting her go in the next few days - keeping her 'here' for us is selfish - she deserves better -

And she will get it!

It is the least we can do -

T Is For

Telling...

This one

This one

This one

This one

All wines I've had for the first time since I last shared what had been in my glass - all quite enjoyable - glad I've gotten to experience them -

10cc - a favourite of mine from the old days - with this being one of their songs that I just HAVE to sing along with and to - Dreadlock Holiday !

Tina Dico - Count To Ten - this was one of THOSE songs - one that as SOON as I heard it, I was hitting The Internet to find the album - the words just grabbed me - BIG TIME - the album (same name as the song) is very good and sitting quite close to me as I put this together -

Toni Braxton - yes, I know you are going TONI BRAXTON? - hey, I've admitted on many a previous occasions how diverse my music collection is - and I do love some sappy ones that I can belt out - and if only I could sing well I'd share THAT with you - but for now, you'll have to make do with Toni's version -

Tonic - and not the liquid served with gin - If You Could Only See - since eyes are my strong point and my favourite feature to focus on - this song says a lot - you truly can see so much from some one's eyes - you can see if IT is there or if IT ISN'T -

Tough and Trying - as in this week -

Triumph - NEVER SURRENDER - Something I'm planning on never doing !

Thanks again for reading!

One Letter Can't Do The Trick Conclusion

So, the damsel of our story -

Oh wait, I woke up Wednesday morning trying to grasp the reality of all that transpired during the previous day - knowing I had to do my best to conceal all the emotions churning inside me - but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me - I had learned to do that to survive -

I stuck to my story of having some loose ends to tie up as the reason for the delay in my arrival - I disliked having to fib as I was but it was necessary -

The day's routine was the usual - some computer time - shower - mid-day meal before heading to work - my normal routine for the 3-11 shift had me leave the house around 2pm to allow for traffic, grab a coffee, and exchange information with the tech(s) I was relieving - I was never a clockwatcher - yet, that counted for nothing -

Instead of heading to what I now refer to as The Gulag, I headed to S's office - where I sat - still kind of shellshocked about what had happened and what was YET to happen as we began to work on a rough draft of a resume for me -

Having worked on that for a while, it was time to face my past and my future - I'll admit the stomach was churning as I contemplated what the next hours held for me - I was about to see my parents for the first time in about ten years or so - and I was about to leave a home I loved, my Sibes I adored, and a spouse I realised I had settled for -

And as I've touched on here before, something I won't do again: SETTLE -

Since S had other commitments for the evening - and couldn't be there for all of it - we drove separately to my mom's - honestly, I can't tell you the last time I had been there - even though my house down the street was only one mile away - but I was now home - my mom had her eldest child back - years were lost but it didn't matter -

My dad came over a bit later - S had left by then so they didn't get to meet -that would take place a few days later - my parents had divorced during the time I was 'away from my family' as I term it - I thanked them for their help, understanding, and support -

And off we went - the mile drive was too short yet way too long as I tried to come to terms with what I was about to do - what I had to do -

I rang the bell - I said we needed to talk - and very quickly, 24 years of my life came to an abrupt halt - I had met the now ex in 1980 - we married in 1991 - and December 8, 2004 marked the end -

I have felt such relief from these three posts - I do think the fifth anniversary of it all marked a 'milestone' of sorts - I think this year will mark the closure in needing to 'dwell' on it - to remind myself of it - yet I will never see the reference to Pearl Harbour Day without thinking of mine -

The five girls I left are now four - and probably in the coming months, the four will become three -

I have a sister and brothers again - they missed me whilst I was gone -

I have Khyra - and I think all of you know what she means to me - and how I wouldn't know all of you without her -

S is still a major part of my life - I still thank him frequently for helping me and saving me - he reminds me I always had the strength to do it - maybe I did, maybe I didn't -

Things really do happen for reasons - even if we don't see them at the time -

Thanks for the comments - the support - the understanding - the respect for my actions even if you don't/didn't agree - one never knows what one will do until it happens to them -

One Letter Can't Do The Trick Continued

So there I was crying over my vodka trying to grasp what had happened and what I was going to do -

To say I had been in an unhappy marriage for some time would be an understatement - too much to go into - and surely not something to go into HERE -

I had wanted to get out but was afraid - I had stayed for my girls - my other Siberians -

But this was my kick in the butt to do it -and in doing it, hopefully regain the family I had shut out of my life due to issues with the now ex -

As S and I sat - yes, drinking more vodka - and yes, with me crying - we decided I would attend an Open Mic Night function S played on Tuesdays - I would grab some dinner - try to relax - and call my mom - see if I could possibly come home - and then enjoy the chance to hear some live music to take my mind off things for at least a few hours -

I did - although I was still in shock, it felt good to be somewhat free for a change - the ex was a very controlling person - and I always tried to keep the peace and would roll with it as best I could -

After settling in and ordering some dinner and a B is for beer - I called my mom and heard her voice for the first time in probably ten years -

At first she didn't recognise the sound of mine - I can only imagine how the other end of the cell looked when she realised it was me - and as I told her - and what I hoped could happen -

Of course I could come home - I had always been welcomed to come home -

It was decided S and I would be over the next afternoon to talk about things some more -

Having established I had the start of a plan for a new life, I do think I actually did relax for a change and was able to have a good time watching some talented musicians perform - had a bite to eat - had some more beers -

The drive home was a bit of a challenge for I had to go home for the last time - pretend nothing had happened out of the ordinary during my shift - I had stayed out a bit longer than when my shift would have concluded but I claimed I needed to take care of some things with the other technician - something that was not unusual for my job -

Without revealing too much again - suffice it to say I was reminded with solid proof I was making the correct decision - the things said and done were not how I should have to live -

I finally fell asleep knowing the morning would mark the end of one life as I found the courage to initiate another -

As I'm doing my best to recreate and retell this as it transpired, I will leave Wednesday's events for the next time -

One Letter Can't Do The Trick

So true!

One letter can't cover all I need to try to capture - I tried to think about it today whilst walking Khyra and Merdie.

F came to mind - as in fired, friend, and family - in that order - and fifth too

S came to mind - as in survive and friend's name

C as in change could work

P as in personal Pearl Harbour Day

V as in vodka

M as in music - damn, I wish I could select a song (or songs) that would work

T as in tears

L as in lucky to be here

But nothing covered it all...

SO

W is for words will have to do -

On December 7, 2004 - at approximately 3:15 pm EST, my life changed - BIG TIME!

It was a day like others -it was a Tuesday - I was on 3-11 shift - I went to work - made a pot of coffee - was reviewing what was in the notes and talking to the tech I was relieving - the phone in the office rang - Christy answered it - said yes, she's here - handed the phone to me - my boss made some polite chitchat and asked me to come to the Ed. Center - the nerves starting churning because in the time prior to THIS, very little good had come from any meetings 'there' with 'him' -

This time proved to be no different -

Prior to hanging up the phone, I asked if I should bring anything along with me - no was his reply -

The walk from the technician office to the Ed. Center seemed surreal - my stomach started doing what it does - yet I tried to think THE BEST -

Upon entering the Ed. Center, I saw the H.R. Bitch - I knew it was not good -

To cut to the chase, I was terminated - fired - severed - cut loose - culled - etc - FOUR days short of 26 years -

It is difficult to adequately retell the details leading to 'this' event - they started on 11/22/02 - another day that lives in my mind (sorry, I'm a Virgo - dates stick in our head) - but it can best be summed up by saying I was truly the sacrificial lamb - the example - the one to shake up the rest -

Which it did - and honestly, still does -

By 3:30pm - after he read the speech - and I attempted to beg or negotiate for my job - I resigned myself to it being done -

Something I truly enjoyed - something I threw myself into - something I only began to dread in the latter years of 'his' reign - a company I had known since I was around 12 or 13 years old - a company my father had been part of since 1970 - was suddenly gone -

The techs that had worked with me and for me over the years envisioned me dropped over at my desk when I was 80plus - that is how much I enjoyed THIS job -

It was my happy place -

Yet a few individuals changed that for me -

Yet, they changed things for the better EVENTUALLY -

So, back to my phonecall - I called S - he thought it was one of our usual afternoon phonecalls so he answered all jovially - until I said I just got fucking fired -

I heard the silence THEN I heard the regroup and reload -

He gave me some things to consider - and some advice - I did have to call him back to ask about some other points - I didn't want to sign the paperwork because it was just not right and/or accurate - I was NOT what he had claimed I was (have I mentioned how he was intimidated by the respect others had for me and how they had none of that for him) - yet I knew I couldn't fight him - he had the 5" binder and I had nothing -

I tucked my head and my tail - they agreed NOT to fight an unemployment claim - so I signed some of it -

NOW, how to tell the spouse -

That is for another post -

I had vodka to consume - along with my friend - and a night to reconnect with my past -

Please trust me when I say as I write THIS, I can see it all AGAIN - another peril of being a Virgo - as if it was NOW - yet I know it is in the past -

I can still feel the shame of being escorted back to my things - and out of the building - the calling those I thought would support me- but couldn't OR chose not to -

So I headed to meet S and shed some tears whilst drinking some vodka -

More in the next post

J Is For

J is for....

John Doe and his track The Golden State - it was the ring tone on my Samsung for quite some time...The words are just too good! It applies to Khyra and an other in my life...



I had to laugh - when I pulled up the lyrics, I was listening to the song - and I snagged them at the same moment the words I heard were the words I read- that is scary!

J is also for a song on one of the first albums I bought! Bobby Sherman - Julie - 'nuf said!


Julie DO you love me?

Another J that comes to mind - Justin Townes Earle - his song 'Mama's Eyes - well so many messages there! Justin's dad is Steve Earle - one of the artists that changed my life - and he's also named for Townes Van Zandt - another artist that has changed my life -

J is for Khyra's Pal Jack who has lost two sisters in too short of a time -

J is also for JOURNEY - something I am on - and something that kicked in on December 7, 2004 - more on that NEXT week -

Cheer!